Thursday, September 29, 2005

I watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the Pacific and
you might think I'm losing my mind,
but I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been

This is no place to try and live my life.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside
have finally begun to create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart,
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can’t let that happen again
‘cause then you’ll see my heart
in the saddest state it’s ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.


relient k - who i am hates who ive been


29th now
33 more days?

xoxo
3:04 PM

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

i was waiting for my mum today
sitting by this small road, on the side, alone
then came this small jap girl who was like hopping/skipping/runnin by
all smiles and sweat with her mum chasing after,
all smiles and sweat too

then this black nissan G35 skyliner drove pass in front of me
with its roaring engine, ok not roaring but u get wad i mean
gorgeous i tell u. icecream for the eyes under the bloody hot sun


allow me to ask this dumb qn, which popped into my head back then
'will u (A) choose to own that gorgeous car for the day or (B) spend the day with the kid?'

i surprised myself by picking B
i figured ive been dying for some simple genuine fun and laughter
which seemed to have gone missing for awhile
hmmm
and no, i'm not lying when i said i chose B seriously.
as hard as it is for you to believe, it is for me too
hahahaha

and suddenly all things simple seems to have been made complicated
while complicated stuffs, taken too lightly


i promised not to care
yet i shake at the thought of stares

xoxo
5:03 PM

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

ok, this is fishing pissifying
foo yo!
i was done bloggin already when i was SIGNED OUT for whatever goddamn reason
fcuk


and i'm feelin lazy now
just, RAHHH
HELL ANNOYING

xoxo
5:15 PM

Friday, September 23, 2005

i mustve been thinkin too much the past few days
things kept creeping to me like bugs moving around
but all's over me head now
no more no more sleep-invading rubbish


and yes, i quit
did it today and irresponsible me just left during lunch
felt so inadequate there and i dont appreciate that very much
though its damn bad of me for not even callin them
oops
old/bad habits die hard

i prefer hands-on jobs
people may think thats dumb
like an office job is availabe, damn good money
yet i wanna slog my ass off for something that only pays like half of it?
ok, actually i think that really is
hmm


oh, and very nice saph and gwyn came today
supposedly to accompany me for lunch only but ya,
i left for lunch and never went back
hahaha. so its jobhunt again
both of them are certified legally mad, seriously
tsktsktsk



A tinkling piano in the next apartment
Those stumblin' words that told you what my heart meant
A fairground's painted swings
These foolish things remind me of you

rod stewart - these foolish things

xoxo
6:56 PM

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Oh it’s so funny to be seeing you after so long, girl.
And with the way you look I understand
That you are not impressed.
But I heard you let that little friend of mine
Take off your party dress.
I’m not going to get too sentimental
Like those other sticky valentines,
’cause I don’t know if you’ve been loving somebody.
I only know it isn’t mine.

Alison, I know this world is killing you.
Oh, alison, my aim is true.

Well I see you’ve got a husband now.
Did he leave your pretty fingers lying
In the wedding cake?
You used to hold him right in your hand.
I’ll bet he took all he could take.
Sometimes I wish that I could stop you from talking
When I hear the silly things that you say.
I think somebody better put out the big light,
Cause I can’t stand to see you this way.

Alison, I know this world is killing you.
Oh, alison, my aim is true.
My aim is true.


alison - brandon boyd / elvis costello


only one word for everything,
screwed.

i never knew things were actually still lying at that
and its not very nice to know
geor, u suck.

xoxo
3:11 PM

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

have to be up by 8 tmr
and big problem with my dress code
i need shoes too
dammit


i feel like a kid reporting for the first day of school
a tinge of excitement and major huge piece of fear
ive never been this way
lets just see how it turns out tmr
i might not be accepted anyway
and i might not accept them either
hahahahahahaha
i so should be shot


argh
someone ease this anxiety of mine
haha damn worried i dont know why
hmmm
so much for tannin tmr
sudden change of plans for me
and serene huang,
dont laugh so much i tell you
before i disclose your wisma secret
=)



For every one thing we're ignorant of
A thousand more things beat the maze.
You saw the apple hanging on the tree
But missed the orchard in your gaze

xoxo
1:39 PM

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

i just edited a whole entry i made awhile ago
after thinking, i felt like sucha mean shit so there
not like ranting will change anything

its just a lil draining sometimes
to go back and forth
like you do in a dance
just that dancing alone doesnt seem like a very pleasurable thing here
it just makes you feel like a fool put up on stage thats all

=/

oh and what you did and what you're doing,
isnt exactly helpin anything at all
so if you really do care,
try something new
cuz whatever you had in mind's just backfiring, on me now



Back me down from backing up
Hold your breath now it's stacking up
Etched with marks, but I can deal
And you're the problem and you can't feel
Try this on, straitjacket feeling
so maybe I won't be alone
Take back now, my life you're stealing

Yesterday was hell
But today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you'd be
That face is tearing holes in me again

Trust you is just one defense
off a list of others, you don't make sense
Beg me time and time again
to take you back now, but you can't win
Take back now, my life you're stealing

Yesterday was hell
But today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you'd be
That face is tearing holes in me again
but today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all the things you put me through
I'm holding on by letting go of you

And when the memory slips away
There will be a better view from here
And only lonesome you remains
and just the thought of you I fear
it falls away

Yesterday was hell
But today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you'd be
That face is tearing holes in me again
but today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all the things you put me through
I'm holding on by letting go of you


all american rejects - straitjacket feeling


and shit, my nap got longer than it was supp to be
now, i cant sleep at all
my body clock is damn screwed man
oh my


i need you like water in my lungs

xoxo
6:49 PM

Monday, September 19, 2005

i'm startin to think that technology's going a tad too fast
and changing some stuffs it shoulnt be doing so at all


i'm hell pissed with myself for sleepin like there's no tmr the past few days
damn unproductive seriously
and i feel like my life is shorter for sleepin so much
cuz my time spent up is like shorter by THIS much
so everyday basically just vrooooooms pass/past (i dont know which's right. oops)


anyway,
happy birthday saphhh
sung yat fai lok
hahahahaha
"your bf very handsome" right?
HEH


i wanna see people
yet when i'm free they're workin/exam-ing/studyin
ive real bad timing
and time is sucha bugger too
oh, and among the people i wanna see,
perhaps you're not in it aye.
hmmm. not like it matters i know.
heck.

yes, ive probs everywhere
attitude is one of em.
-shrugs-
i mustve been spending too much time with my sis
thus the amazing rate my attitude soared
hahahahahahahaha. oops.


i am bored and its early
byebye

xoxo
3:26 PM

Saturday, September 17, 2005

i'm totally amazed by the fact that i'm still awake
its 8.03 now on my clock, hahaha
and i'm equally amazed by the trees that are still standin outside my windows now
was storming like mad just now i thought the trees were gonna fly away like those in the movie 'twister'
seriously man
tsktsk


was lookin at my mum when she was leavin for work
i swear i love my mum ok
though she's ABIT naggy, ABIT unreasonable, ABIT lazy and ABIT money-sucking
she's A WHOLE LOT of adorable, sensitive and loving
and needless to say, one totally superbtastic m-o-t-h-e-r
noticed how much older she's grown
how much more haggard she's lookin
and how much harder she has to work now too
which seriously shouldnt be the case
oh and regardin the money-sucking part, i take it back
cuz i know if its not due to the current situation back home,
she'd definitely go right down to her last cent for me, and my sis of cuz

i had better find a job soon
and quite being sucha parasite bumming around at home
umm.. well, after i wake up of cuz.
which i hope wouldnt be too late?
hahahahahaha

i'm hopeless,
just shoot me.

xoxo
11:05 PM

geor is still up and its not cuz she cant get to bed
just that she wants to wake up real late since she'll be home for the day
and frankly, there're alot of things to be done but as usual, she doesnt feel like it
in other words, she's just pure lazy.
what's new aye?

orange juice overdose
will i turn orange too?!
ok, that sounded rather bimbotic
hahahahaha.
imagine geor actin like a bimb.
oh my, ok better not.
i churn out so much rubbish everyday
wah, if i own a recycling company,
i'd be damn rich just workin on my own garbage.
hmmm


i cant believe how things actually are at a standstill after so long
for a fact its been very long
all the time and effort wasted

i was just riding happily on a major hugeass carousel, alone
and that friggin operator jus had to keep me riding to keep her job
when she struck her bloody lottery, she just left the machine going round and round
leaving it to wait for its breaking down, with me on it


long aimless nights does this to emo people, of course,
with the aid of some sappy music no sane person should even be listenin to at such unearthly hours
the product of sucha random sianifying night =
drama mama and dumb thinking geor
and when i say sappy songs, i mean it.
some lonestar and peter gabriel for eg.
gets those lil nothings in your vascular organ workin
flinchin and wincing every once in awhile
nonononono
bad for health


hello bed,
goodbye everything.

lets see if i can wake at 6, later.
HEH

xoxo
8:09 AM

Friday, September 16, 2005

made my way to town again today
but only went to forum la
was pretty off for me to go there actually
-feels wallet-
ok, totally off more like it
then again, not like i saw much anyway
hmmm


was on my way home today when i saw three cute lookin ang moh guys
sittin somewhere on this huge patch of grass by the road at little india where people around there
often gather and like u know, 'picnic'?
they looked a lil outta place la initially, honestly
then again it felt pretty fun too
hahahaha
but DUH, we wouldnt go do that for nothing la
as though we havent had enough of fumes from friggin buses and cars
tsktsk

wad i'm tryin to say's that actually there's so much more to travellin rather than just shoppin aye?
i mean go around, feel and experience the different cultures and things different people do
quite fun right?
i mean if it was me, say if i'm going to thailand or (if ever)japan,
frankly speakin, i'd just go mad wanting to shop
hahahaha, who wouldnt la
i'd be a big fat liar if i say i wouldnt, (though i already am one)
seriously, who would spend say 1 outta 4 days to do things
other than like shoppin and feedin themselves????
feel mighty shallow of a sudden
hmmm.
ok, just a thought
damn random
i guess everyone can see how bored i am now
oops. hahahahaha

somehow, i'm feelin damn overwhelmed these days
like little things can spark damn alot of other stuffs outta nowhere
not like its bad
sets me thinkin bout tons of things besides my own
just, strangely weird
and i feel like ive so much to say
yet brain's not sorting things right
wth is wrong with me?
hahaha

wah, last min cancelled tmr la!
i swear this's retribution for cancellin on others too much
hahaha
nvm, ive grown to be a home-maker
is that term correct?
and my hands are itching DAMN BADLY for 2 things
namely POOL and MAHJONG

any khakis?
i'm dead serious.
=))

xoxo
2:24 PM

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

i realised today that 7th month is over and mid-autumn fest is comin
hmmm.
and i dont like that.
rather haunting isnt it?
to me at least.
tsktsk

and somehow, suddenly, this song is ringing in my head.

'swing swing swing from the chimney in the heart'
ok, those lyrics are wrong la duh but ya.
hmmm. nvm.
it doesnt and sldnt concern me anymore,
not these for the least,
i guess.


I FINALLY SET FOOT IN TOWN Y'DAY
not such big a deal actually
haha. but i met serene.
supp to meet lin too
but ya, she decided to gimme a taste of my own medicine
hahahahaha.

i'm certified jobless now
so if anyone has any jobs to intro,
PLEASE DO.
i'm THIS desperate
rah. but its good, in a way
hmm

sigh. things are bad.
haha. but regardless how bad,
i SLD be able to get over.
these are senses that some cute-acting psychologist-wannabe drilled in me
hahahahahaha.
though i cant quite make out any from it.

anyway, the most gruellin part of gettin into shit is not overcoming it.
its to act like nothing has happened and to always wear a smile,
whether you mean it or not
until youve become so numb
you dont know what exactly is going through your head
nor whats pumpin through your vascular organ
all you do is, SMILE.

the above theory goes for many things.
a good example is this pretty senseless entry of mine,
but i bet many dont know what i'm tryin to say now
haha. nvm. i guess i cant too sometimes.

and this entry sounds too much like a riddle than it sld
well, a blog's gotta do what a blog's gotta do,
help kill time.
=/

xoxo
7:54 PM

Friday, September 09, 2005

wow! i just deleted a WHOLE CHUNK of an entry.
nope, not by accident
the anger just slowly faded as i typed
and i realised i sounded too angsty for my own good
i mean, i think i sld quit on such negative entries
at least for awhile


went to ikea on wed with the sis
we are plannin on room make-over la pls
haha. yes, we share a room
it was fun i guess
sister bondin!! haha
damn funny though the way we bought stuffs
i became such an auntie
HEH

anyway,i haven met anyone for damn damn DAMN long!
rahh
lets look at the list.

linda,serene,quan - yes i know, i owe u guys damn alot of tannin sessions
eileen - haiya, ure busy studying now la. exams, quick fly away
peixiang - i hope this sunday works out. few hrs wud be good enough
danielle - woman ah, when are we going m'sia?
diana - i miss u. period.
TSN - auntie, i'm sorry i cancelled last min
poh - u are officially lost from my phone
jed - ya la ya la. i still owe u THIRTY bucks. haha
candice,jenny - hmmm. hahaha
ken lim - my bill pls. heh
cas - when will we ever talk?
saphira - incubus and coldplay are damn yellow! oh my, FOS
lihua - -coughs- the portrait uhh..... haha

and many more

sigh.
life, where are you?


i feel like just giving up, on everything
and not have to care nor think for anyone or anything

xoxo
8:41 PM

Friday, September 02, 2005

i've always thought i knew alot
bout the things around and people, of course.
apparently i'm wrong
i thought things were in grasp
that i was in control and everything's planned
apparently its not, either.

am i the one reading things and people around?
or am i the one who's stripped bare to the ground?
a huge ass wave of threatening thoughts crashed on my shore tonight
with my feet rooted firmly to the ground

enveloped in my thoughts
who's gonna help collect and read this mail tonight?

i cant even make out what i'm filling this screen with
its like the familiar faces all around
but u just cant put a name to any of them


back to square one isnt it?

fcukitla

xoxo
3:24 PM