perfect standstill

Thursday, September 07, 2006

this feels kinda foreign
im always flooded with things to blog about whenever im out
but when i get down to it, can never quite get it out like i used to
vapourised

met up with some people on monday
it came to me as a rather odd mix,
without the usuals who help neutralise the awkwardness
i must mention this before i go though, im pretty extreme when i feel weird
its either autistic(ok, perhaps just being alot quieter than usual)
or ill just blabber on and on about absolute rubbish

in this case, i went on like a machine gun operated by a 7yr old
bangbangbang
shootshootshoot
all numb with my nonsense way beforehand

and, i finally had a somewhat decent conversation with someone
it felt good, of course
having drifted so far apart over something i still cant quite put a finger to
i never dared bring up anything that quite requires the use of past tenses
i mean, of cuz nothing of the past bugs me(not regarding alot at least)
but it just felt like thats where the line sld be drawn
lest i retardedly spout rubbish once more, like i always do-.-

point is it felt good, it feels good
not that im sure she isnt pissed with me anymore
not that im sure i wouldnt remind her of stuffs she was tryin to forget
not that im sure the pricks arent there anymore(ok, actually i know its still there)
but its a good start, to me

it was a bag full of emotions when i realised she was pissed
like 'huh?!', then comes anger and more 'huhs' finally with a tinge of regret
i mean i may appear like it didnt matter
and perhaps it really didnt/doesnt matter to anyone but it did, to me

to me, she was a close friend
someone i could relate to, stuffs like that
oh well, i barely have any so-called goodfriends
even if i do, most of the time, it feels more like a one-sided thing
(goodness! now im making it all sound so weird, again)

oh and i really really wanna apologise to someone
perhaps my absence meant nothing but its still buggin me
and i didnt even get to wish u a happy birthday ah
i didnt even send u off-.-
maybe after reading this, u can kinda tell how insignificant a person i think i am right?
so hopefully you get what im trying to say
confusing? yeah i think so too
haiya im just seriously sorry

RIGHT. this is the reason why i cant seem to get anything on this blog
cuz it all seems so trivial, so frivolous, so unsincere, so artificial but nah
i shant delete this again
its better to have something boring to occupy this space than nothing at all
so, happy getting bored

xoxo
9:24 PM